Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
