So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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