Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
