i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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