every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
where are you?
Hypothermia
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
