I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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