your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
