Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
