I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
