Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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