hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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