the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
