I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
