I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
