We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
