i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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