Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
