Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
