Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
