But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
