I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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