His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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