just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
