you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
is it fun? or sober?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
