dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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