How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
