I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
