i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
i've created a new STD.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
