Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
