dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
