The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
So many bounce houses so little time
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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