I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
