I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
