the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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