Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
