i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
