Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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