You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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