she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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