Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
