i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
