So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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