I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
