i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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