When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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