I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
