I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
