Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
