i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
