i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
