My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
