It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
