Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
